Healing home, i think it is time that we do this;
Firstly ** – I blog with my views, personal experiences and learnt psychology and or suicidology both within work and educational settings, what i produce when writing is not backed factually, nor it be beneficial to all but it may help some people, my only desires when releasing any blog is the hope to share understanding from a different point of view from something i have experienced or learnt, it may help share new ways of potential understandings within yourself;
Have a think about it before you read on, what is home to you?
Materialistically a home can be the roof that is over your head and the things that are around you, foundationally (it works) this can be the parents or caregivers that supply you with care and love;
But what if someone does not have these, it is the reality of a lot of peoples lives, so then what does home be?
I think we each as individuals can find homes in different things, if someone has a stable environment they may class this as a home, if one has secure relations with their parents / siblings / family they may also see this as a home, but if these are not present or are within trauma they may blur the lines of what actually is home, which can result in a loose subconscious of being lost.
These traumas can be such as moving home, lack of stability within the home, abuse within the home, parent separation, alcohol or drug abuse within the home, sexual exploitation within the home, neglect within the home, a loss within the home and so much more can implement on a home becoming a trauma home.
As a child we do not have the ability of conscious reasoning and understanding and can’t figuratively understand what we need in order to be secure, we have what we have; What we generically need is food, water, warmth & air, but this has extended sociologically over time to understand that a child needs a healthy environment.
As an adult that was a child from an unhealthy environment, i understand the needs to create a healthy environment, so to not allow the trauma that was created to extend onto the next generation. See my upbringing consisted of an alcoholic mum who was never around to safeguard us but when she was she was negatively reinforcing us, basically the outcome we became was that we were not good enough, and a dad who prioritized himself, we looked after ourselves, ‘scruffs‘ me and my twin were, my eldest brother is seven years older so he was dad, he was a little bit more kept, maybe. But he left (that is his story to tell).
Within the absence of no parents we were subject to moving homes, child neglect, exploitation, alcohol and drug abuse, i was personalized with suicide attempts, depression, self-harm, an eating disorder, no / low self-esteem, emotional abuse, blackmail, abandonment and so much more;
But i just got on with it, this was my home. My inattentive side and ability to live in my seclusion was my savior. I healed alone, any disruptions i was alone, any difficult conversations, no i never had too, i was alone, any pain, i was alone, bullied in school, i was alone. I had my older brother for guidance he made the world logical and kept me within high spirits but we never spoke much of our home, i aspired to be him which i guess kept me motivated, the other thing that kept me withing stable grounds was tending to my twin brother and his suicidal activity, he first tried at seven. Disruption within the ‘home’;
So over the years i developed behaviours and a mind that had to keep me in fight or flight mode, i mostly chose flight mode, moving still constant, trying to settle. For 30 years i never fully comprehended what home was, until i hit the absolute bottom, i thought i did this many years ago when Bryan took his life following this trauma, my business failed, my relationship broke down, my home crumbled, i thought this was the peak of my depression to be honest;
But this time during my recurrent depressive spiral, i endured intense suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts and my mind was within the process of formulating a suicide plan, a lot occurred within these last three years – i left my home town to run away and heal from trauma, i gained my degree but it was strange, i was not anyone down there, i was quiet and healing,
But i recently awoke within my blackness, i saw why i blacked it all out, my childhood was awful and realized why i have been the way i have been, my behaviours over the years, my lack of communication, why my depression is so prolonged (and this is okay) and ultimately amongst all of this understanding of myself i realized that i was home, i was my home and as an adult i am to create my children’s home until they become their own home, and my trauma and negative behaviours are due to the lack of home that i had as a child, but i saw and actioned just how i would of safe guarded myself and my brothers if i was their mum, it was a strange movement but i healed home;
Becoming the adult in this way for my inner child helped me to create new communications within my nervous system and sensory systems, i am safe because i am my home and my generations are safe because i am their home and to heal this bridge within myself has ultimately given me my strength back to be able to rid all impostor syndrome, forgive my past and become who i am supposed to be and that is always going to be preventing suicide, it is all i have ever known;
Healing home;