Sit with it

I am just going to roll with this one as the content fills my head, it is difficult to regulate emotions when they hurt so badly in so many different ways, they say heartbreak can be as painful as breaking a bone – I remember all of my heartbreaks, all the times I had to sit with it, even when I didn’t want too;

I watched something the other day that reverted me back to my childhood coping mechanisms, I am reminded of the comfort I brought myself as I learnt to face hardship alone, all the while my message from this blog is to ‘sit with it’

I never really understood my coping mechanisms until recently, I never understood the anxiety I held as a child, as I’d bite my nails and gnaw away at my thumbs and not the nail part, the flat face part when you bend the thumb, I would make it bleed often… I would wrap my fingers in my covers to the point it sometimes lost colour, and when I woke up in the morning there would be creases of where I had held on, every so often I was scared of my mind, as it used to confuse me with visual stresses, if I closed my eyes I would start to lose consciousness then I would see something and it would almost start to vibrate and go big small, big small, big small and so forth, it used to really stress my mind. I had these mechanisms to relieve stress from my mind as I had no guidance, I could only learn by what I knew, I also used to draw and paint a lot as a child, I guess this was my outlet as it still accompanies me through life;

I had to sit with my emotions, regardless of the way they came – I self-isolated in my own space and let whatever pass through me, I attempted to take my life once when I was in my adolescence, I took a box of paracetomol, then mixed another box in a bottle of pepsi and drank it, I was 17, I passed out and woke up being sick, I understand now that I didn’t know the consequences of my actions but yet it was more of an impulsive moment, my reasoning for doing this was the lack of support, at that moment I had just had enough of the way my life was, I was really unhappy, I changed my path not so long after;

We must sit with what is dealt to us, accept what is ours and what isn’t, what we can and can’t change;

I sat with the fact I have a Mum but alcohol consumed her;

I sat with the fact I have a Dad but he didn’t have time for me;

I sat with the fact my twin brother has been suicidal all of his life;

I sat with the fact I have been cheated on lied to and forgotten;

I sat with the fact I found someone after they hung themselves;

I sat with the fact I lost my business;

I sat with the fact I no longer have a best friend;

I sat with the fact I let myself be used;

I sat with the fact I can’t open up;

I sat with the fact I have failed countless amounts of times;

I sat with the fact I have made mistakes;

I sat with the fact not everybody tells the truth including me;

I sat with the fact that not everybody is supposed to stay;

I sat with the fact I could have done something different but I didn’t;

All of the above had a huge impact on me, but each one I can now justify within my perspective…

I sat with the lack of parents, it was difficult to process other families and how there mum or dad would be there whenever they needed, but over years of understanding, I realised I have my brothers and my family, I don’t really need them, as I thought I did. My mum suffered a huge trauma when she was younger, it pushed her onto drinking and an addiction of any form is difficult to beat, many don’t see the constraints the addiction holds until it is too late – nobody wants an alcoholic in their life, especially when it has been a destroyer within the childhood… My Dad didn’t have a dad himself, so learnt the boundaries of how to be a dad this way… Although I see my life without figures and see that my son needs me and even if I was of male stance, I would think I would be the same…

I sit with my thoughts of my brother often, I am always swung around thinking as to how lonely he has been, raising my own son I know that little boys need their mothers to understand and teach them how to love, my mum never supported him so he lacked that, but my brother has me, and he has understood a lot over the years, he does still struggle, and it is ever so difficult to even think about, but I know that he is doing his best to make some positive 😊 – love you x

I sat with being cheated on, lied to and forgotten countless amount of time, any person who does this is just a clear understanding that they don’t belong in your life, people leave/deter/action when things aren’t right for them, when the relationship is no longer mutual one may falter and subconsciously look for an escape route, this can come in anyway – just always understand that the people who are supposed to be in your life are in your life – and that is all that matters. You can’t force anything you can only forgive and forget.

I sat with Bryan losing his way for a long time, it was a huge process – 164 days it was on my mind every day and every night before I fell asleep, and it often resurfaces but it no longer triggers me, it passes through as a thought now rather than a trauma – because I understand the position he was in prior to doing it, I understand his trauma, his lack of support, and I understand his pain;

I sat with losing my business due to not having the capacity to manage it, 4 years I had spent building it but after losing Bryan I lost my dream of having my own shop, but now I understand it’s because it wasn’t right for me, I wasn’t that person to be there, I just don’t fit in that world – instead I was diverted to supporting people;

I sat with the loss of a best friend, I have friends of course, and I have had ‘best friends’ but I haven’t been able to hold on to a best friend, I had my best friend from childhood, but due to mixing with the wrong crowds and moving away and prioritizing others we no longer meet this ‘best friend’ label, I also have other friends who could be classed as this but a best friend is someone who is there regardless?

I sat with the fact (of course) that I struggle to communicate to maintain a healthy relationship, it makes it difficult for me to connect and gain trust but yet I still wouldn’t communicate, I have just developed the knowledge that this is how I am, being self-soothed encourages me to close down whenever I am under threat or stress;

I sat with the fact I have failed so much, I have had many businesses, relationships, goals that I have thrown away, I have never pushed myself further than my own self-set boundaries which has never been to far, I struggle with repetition, and find it difficult doing the same continuously, I also struggled listening in class and still do, I find it difficult to listen for a long duration of time unless the listening structure has changed… (Throw in a picture or two)

I sat with the fact I have made mistakes, I have done things that I shouldn’t of done, I have said things I wish I could take back, but I now know that if I have ever been placed within a position where I am portraying stress then there was a trigger that made my mind off balance and made me act or speak within this criteria, I am very settled and I love whoever is in my presence;

I sat with the fact that everybody lies, and sometimes we lie so that we don’t hurt somebody else, but the thing is, we are going to be hurt regardless because it’s the thinking that has already presumed the outcome that has been lied about, the pain has already been present. We lie also to make ourselves of a different light, but the truth always comes out x

I sit with the fact that nobody is forever, and people come and go, in my whole 30 years I have three people who I know are in my life forever, my son and my brothers, and still these being male are still distant.

I sit with what if, I always sit with this, I think it may be something we all habit at some point, what if this was done this way, what if I never stopped that, what if that didn’t happen, I am not sure why my life can highlight a parallel universe – be good to hear if this is for anyone else too 😊

Anyway my whole point is no matter your trauma, no matter your let downs, it is all relevant and it shapes you into who you are, and I am sorry if your trauma is something you aren’t able to speak about and have you not understanding as to why it happened to you, please note it shouldn’t of happened to you, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time with no safe guarding. If you are struggling with any unspeakable trauma – reach out x

I hope this helps someone who may need this today, if you need any help regulating any emotions send me a message 😊

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