WHO are you?
PTSD – Post traumatic stress disorder.
This feels like another embodiment has taken over the mothership. Literally it is one the worst temporary brain conditions a brain can maintain. Those who survive this under severe events – hats off to you, well done for holding the fort. If you are currently experiencing PTSD and need extra support, please reach out to SAPUK – linked.
I am going to talk about what it is, how it arrives, my experiences with it and then finally how to sit with yourself.
The NHS
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events.
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Someone with PTSD often relives the traumatic event through nightmares and flashbacks, and may experience feelings of isolation, irritability and guilt.
They may also have problems sleeping, such as insomnia, and find concentrating difficult. ADHD symptoms may also be present.
These symptoms are often severe and persistent enough to have a significant impact on the person’s day-to-day life.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
People who repeatedly experience traumatic situations, such as severe neglect, abuse or violence, may be diagnosed with complex PTSD.
Complex PTSD can cause similar symptoms to PTSD and may not develop until years after the event.
It’s often more severe if the trauma was experienced early in life, as this can affect a child’s development.
My input
PTSD can be present after a traumatic event; it does not necessarily have to be deemed as intense. What is a negative impact for you may not necessarily be a negative impact for others and vice versa. The human brain is so complex that we each do not have the same traits. Our brains are like fingerprints we are all different – please see my blog on individual differences.
My experience with PTSD.
Trigger warning. Please note this is my experience with PTSD. Not everyone will experience what I have experienced and how I healed, I am sharing this in hope it helps someone navigate their PTSD.
It does not last forever – it can pop up but by this time you will have grown around the initial trauma.
I did not know I was within PTSD. Until 2024 and I looked back and assessed my situations. I have always been depressed, this stems from childhood. Being this way kind of led to my rock bottom / awakening. I underwent a loss by suicide, where I found my stepdad after he took himself, please see – seeing suicide. After this trauma event, I lost my business, then things ended in my long-term relationship. Three major life events at the age of 24 with no support. It was hectic for me, if I did not have my son I would not have survived that.
There was a point when I was screaming, begging for the internal pain to end, and I never ever believed it would. It actually took me five years to heal from it all properly.
PTSD is extremely complicated and how I experienced it was in this kind of form. I was trying to be me and carry on with my life, but the version of me that needed to be healed was within intense traumatic brain fields. Because I blocked it out and was furthermore undergoing trauma, my PTSD became chronic PTSD, I never even knew.
Stage 1 – the suicide loss
The reality of this was I did not understand to the point I was in work the next day.
There are 5 stages of suicide loss too, shock, anger, sorry, grief, acceptance.
And because I was facing the visual loss of the suicide, part of my brain needed to process this but whilst I was trying to silently process this a part of my brain needed to also, be a mum, be a partner and go to work, I also had to clear the house out.
I held it for a few weeks.
Stage 2 – the business loss
Slowly but surely my hair extension business closed, I could not keep up with the mental processes that are needed for communications, alignment, orders, timescales etc. Because of this loss, I began to focus on the business loss. It is something I had worked hard towards, it was my first shop after 7 years of working within the industry. Parts of my brain silently processing the loss by suicide. Parts of my brain still having to be mum and within a family dynamic. I slowed down at this point as depression dragged me down.
I held it for a few more weeks.
Stage 3 – the relationship loss
This was my final pillar. I had nothing left. The suicide loss ultimately stole everything from me. Parts of my brain needed to fix this. Parts of my brain needed to work. Parts of my brain needed to adjust to being a single mum. Parts of my brain needed to process the suicide loss.
I no longer held it, I was lashing out uncontrollably. Heartbreakingly I was chaos, ultimately it led to me running away.
Before I ran away, I was within the hands of the most narcissistic people I have ever met, and I understand that people have traumas to but no that was not fair sending them to me with lack of understanding or accountability. Toying with my emotions, lies and mental abuse. I had no support, only people using and then others judging me. My most vulnerable moments were aired as if they were from the soapbox, and I left my hometown as the weakest version of myself. I never knew what was going on, but I understood the truthful term of the truth always comes out, what I later learned helped me to understand it all a lot clearer. It is what it is, people change to suit what is best for them.
Within my PTSD I became very ill, I made erratic decisions that put my life at risk. I would shake uncontrollably, often not eating. My mind and body often replaying the moments of trauma, relieving the lies of the hands of others. I did not sleep; I’d wake up sweating and there would be claws in my eyes. It was awful. I would sleep crying and then wake up crying, ultimately, I more so did not want to be here.
How did I heal
Unfortunately, for me isolation and solitude, I think because I did not speak to anyone about it took me a lot longer to heal. Luckily for me from a child I know how to encourage or be within solitude. I endured every feeling and brain process that I felt I was to feel. It heightened my ADHD traits; PTSD has similar traits to ADHD. I sat with it all allowing it all in, and then back out. I did breathe work; I sat with my head and eyes to the floor in attempt to push the negative energy from the frontal lobe back the grounds of hell. I played the guitar, and I zoned inward. I did not heal by others; I had friends, and I met some people, but I never utilised them to make me happy. I was still depressed, and this is another reason why I always stayed single because I was not able to focus on love when I needed to heal myself. It is hard to commit yourself to another when you are within the grounds of PTSD.
I think it is really difficult living with PTSD, especially if you do not understand what is going on. My brain was the loudest, it used to vibrate, I could hear a vibration, and it has never been this way before. Now although I really struggled with this, I believe that I am who I am because of the trauma I endured, I am the best version of myself because of these. Please if you are undergoing any of the symptoms or are struggling with PTSD please reach out for support. Its okay to not be okay