I never pretended to be anything, a relapse in time.
A blog / article for February 2026, life is good and peaceful. I am again spending time alone, I think sometimes in life you have to understand what is for you and what is a lesson for you, staying to long on the wrong train will cost you way more to get back. Plus my purposes were re-aligned nye to suicide prevention so I understand that I have this opportunity again to be me and grow within myself. I have probably spent a good solid few years alone already but I have been sent here to learn about the mind and its capacities when alone. I am not here to navigate relationships and the stress that these can bring when you are with the wrong person. Love is Love and I love, love but there are times when you have to love yourself more.
Good morning, I wanted to write today about not fitting in with societal pressures again but with another spin, talking about pushing through the boundaries and whole heartedly being oneself, no matter what.
I got relapsed into old feelings by someone new, it was a bit odd to experience as I thought we were passed this part of not being authentic, and it made me think about who I was throughout my years and how I presented myself to people when I was experiencing c-PTSD. How I always told the truth even when I was lied too, that I was always open and transparent even with the people who wanted to break me.
I never pretended to be anything, when I said I cared I really did, when I said I loved you, I really did, when I said that I wanted what was best for you I really did.
But I had to experience people who would lie to my face constantly, I had to place my trust in people who had already betrayed me as they winded their way back in. I was fawning every day for people who did not like me, (a movement where you end up missing the people who hurt you often due to manipulation).
I remembered on several occasions, there was a time when my whole world was falling apart, my lifelines where blurred and I held no hope for the future, instead of being supported I was judged and disrespected. Three suicide attempts in total for me, and it has always been because of other people.
I never pretended to be anyone else, I think I stopped copying of my best friend in year four then I kind of went off on my own with no idol, my life was so chaotic and hectic that I didn’t really have time to look outward at others or what everyone else was doing or how they were presenting, I didn’t have time to judge or call anybody names, all I was focused on was a happy home to go to, even if that was just a happy bedroom on my own, it was my designated safe space.
Most kids have a supportive parents for self – growth, the kids who don’t have to focus on building this for themselves when they should be focusing on being a kid.
Anw, we are almost through February,
What a year it has been already.
A lot of new changes and old pasts.
You can’t change who you are, so let’s drop the mask.
I love poems so thought I would add a small one to the mix, (I don’t care if you judge me for the poem, please remember, I am being authentically me now 😊)
A word for the world, it doesn’t matter what anyone says it is your life not theirs to live. Do these people who judge you come home with you every evening? Do they add anything into your life going forward, or are they just subconscious / conscious stressors?
Ultimately you must do what makes you happy, do not make moves based on what others might think of you or you will never move forward.
Five years ago after experiencing too many bad people, I drove 100 miles away, unpacked my stuff and re-set up my life, I spent almost three years in isolation and solitude, I worked, studied and I healed, and I did this really well to the point where I awakened myself and understood exactly what I needed from this life.
My life is preventing suicide and being a mum, this is all I have on my purpose list, not travel, not money, not friendships, just raise my son and to stop people from acting on their suicidal thoughts and / or actions. I hold no joy or excitement for anything in life. I am here existing to do my purposes on the largest scale I am able too; nothing can stop me from doing this. I genuinely believe that I have been placed here with lower affluence to change the systems and how they are seen. I do not know people within the industries I step into, I walk alone, I have never had a peg up like others have, I built this on my own until 2021 when the other directors came along and helped me finally hold it.
I work with SAPUK, something I created almost ten years ago, I created it because I had no support from anywhere, I had no family to lean on, no friends to cry too, my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me too, it was just me battling through this part of my life as a single mum, I hated it and I didn’t want to live anymore.
I survived the bad and I left with just two good people left in my life, (whom are still here strongly today), although we have reached a good point with SAPUK, it has not been an easy journey…
It is still very much based on a who you know basis as appose to what you know…But I know this is still our path to walk, and I know it will all flip soon.
The thing is with Suicide rates is that they are actually still rising and at a faster rate, when some MH support has been in place for fifty years… It should be getting better not worse. The WHO have lost reliability on data too. (2025 Suicidology write-p coming soon)
But without SAPUK and Luca I would not be here today, I am extremely grateful for these too. Luca anchored me first then SAPUK safeguarded me, so I actually can not end my life now – I have also been safeguarded by India.
In the midst of my purposes, I do often have people come in and out, often some people have a straw to suck the life from me. Some people are aroused by the glow, but I assure you I have no energy for this, I will chop the straw and push you away because I no longer hold tolerance for it, I can see these people a mile away, I have spent 30 years within healing grounds, I am not prepared to spend another year within this.
I wanted to write about this relapsing behaviour because I am sick of catching bad energy from everyone 🤭, you lot could make the brightest of souls seem dull.
I hate it when you see people like girls supporting girls, then you support them and they don’t support you back.
I hate it when people are like you are so good to your face, but then scroll past something they could have supported.
I hate how people preach free the world but then lock the doors when its needed.
I hate how people say I’m here, but then you drop them a message and they are nowhere near.
I know that while some read this, they will feel that the shoe fits, if it does just own it and wear it. You are part of the 25% of people that make others feel bad. You do not need to pretend you hold care for someone else, you do not need to pretend that you support your friends either. It is okay, everybody is different and we need people of all kinds to influence or de-influence us.
I always try and be positive or motivational to others, we need people like me in this world, I would probably say there are around 3% of individuals who portrait like me, but we actually need every type of person in this world to show us new meanings, to share knowledge and to help with community connections, we also need a handful of bad people to show us who not to be.
Things that people have shown me who I don’t want to ever be –
- Continuously talking badly about others
- Asking people what is wrong then when they leave discussing them venomously with others
- Judging people like they are better than them
- Assuming you know what other people’s lives are like
- Presuming you know everything about everything
- Being rude to people for no reason
- Side eyeing other girls
The thing is nobody knows everything, and everything doesn’t know anybody. We are each here on this earth with our own purposes.
Mine is to be a Mum and prevent suicides, what is yours?
I ask about purposes because if one has no purpose then life can be more like a tap draining with no fill, if you have no purpose, you must find them or they will find you.
My purpose found me, my son was unexpected and my life became so suicidal that it taught me something, luckily it taught me instead of taking me.
So many people fit to the trend, so many people will pretend to be your friend, so many people will pretend to support you. So many people will be kind to your face but then speak ill-ly behind your back. It is important to take notes of these people and then move on without them and let me tell you why.
You cannot grow with someone if they hold envy / judgement, their venom will slowly poison you.
You can not trust someone who speaks ill-ly behind your or others back because why are they not speaking to your face about this, I hold a lot of respect for people who call others out.
You can not trust someone who cheats on their partner, cause what they hell? If you can cheat on someone you love who else can you cheat on.
You will not move forward if you have someone who is always pulling you back, ‘no you cant do that’, ‘are you sure that will work’, ‘I don’t think you will’ etc
The thing is most of us sit alone these days, I think I have spent maybe like 75% of my whole life alone, I am not prepared to be unsettled or belittled by anybody, especially those who look from afar.
I have changed now, as many do as the years go on, we gain wings from the pain and misery that is dealt, we gain knowledge from misunderstandings. We grow with our past and future selves, but only if we are always remaining authentic to ourselves.
Do not ever change from who you are, remember the child in you and how innocent they were before life got a hold, this is the real you.
Nobody could say a single thing to dull my aura now; I am so proud of this part of me. I will always continue to move forward … Even if I have no money, no support and even if all I have for motivation is a lot of unjustified judgement, I will still show-up as me.
I will walk into rooms alone even if I know people have been discussing me.
I have had enough of the dull and have finally consciously understood that I am alone anyway. These people have no part of my physical life. So many people have stood in front of me with negative auras such as judgement, envy or anything similar… before I would sit with them and look at what they are looking at, but now I just walk past them with no views or thoughts, just a movement of you can stay behind me.
And I think that’s the goal I life, to be peaceful and free from the chains of others, you can do this life, and you can be great at it too, you just need either the right mind frame for solitude or the right support around you.
You can get through life with just a good balanced head, as long as you have belief then you will continue with the pursuit, if you lose belief, then think about why you lost it, was it because of you or was it at the hands of others?
Thank you for reading <3