‘I’m just nipping out’

Long term / Chronic depression, Complex PTSD anything COMPLEX is literally (or can be) just as similar to the term ‘I am just nipping out’.

Just when you think you have moved away from the long-term disorder and ready to move forward. It swings back around.

‘Oh, so you just nipped out then?’ Let’s go through this…

I am Dan if this is the first time you are reading my blog, welcome – I have long term depression, Neurodivergency and some other complications. I am well within experience of traumatic events, having undergone many different angles and circumstances within trauma. Each of which I have self-healed from.

I am a suicide survivor, but I have lost to this illness. Now I am the best but saddest version of myself that I have ever been. Over the years of my healing, I have grown my own self-esteem and regardless of my status I have always been an extremely valuable asset when reducing suicidal thoughts and encouraging hope within an individual.

I have my degree and many accreditations finalising me as a Suicidologist. By being within this mind frame, I utilise all my findings, research, experience and understandings and bring them forward in the Suicidology field.

Anyway, back to the who is nipping out. Many people have not experienced depression, many people do not understand what depression feels like. So I will explain my experiences with long term depression.

Mine stems from childhood. Mine grew within every period of my life, as each year was one or two traumas up until I was 32. Granted some traumas where smaller and less impactful than others, but on an already depressed mind this is chaos.

From trauma experiences I developed PTSD which then made my neurodivergences chaos, but I masked it extremely well and only ever took my depression inward towards myself, during isolation and solitude I learnt the most about myself and I grew within my silence.

My experiences

Bad / recurring thoughts / Suicidal ideation. And not being able to navigate through them because of continuous events furthermore lowering self-worth and self-esteem. PTSD causing a replay of everything bad that has happened for sometimes hours, its the same episode.

Addiction – Addictive personality traits, they temporarily heal you, but once you have healed you may then have to maintain an addiction, you need to ask yourself, when does this stop? But they do stop, when you are ready and within full understanding of the addiction.

Isolation / Solitude – As an introvert anyway, depression and PTSD made me not able to speak, sometimes for days / weeks. It encouraged an added feeling of circulated loneliness that I then had to manoeuvre through but within this i found strength within myself.

Fawning – Going toward or wishing upon the people that made me feel worse / bad. This is hard to not do when you are within solitude, but be firm within your recent experiences / knowledge.

Depression – Waking up crying, sleeping crying. Intense episodes, that would make me have to isolate, this carried on for years.

Sleeping – Sleeping a lot and staying in bed, disassociating the bed from sleep because of long occupancy.

Self-neglect – Not eating, bathing, or doing normal self-care routine. Not brushing hair. Talking bad toward myself, supporting / encouraging lack of self worth.

No schedule – Bad thoughts also had no schedule, episodes had no schedule. Life also had no schedule. More so late. Cancelling plans. Not showing up.

Then becoming lonely – Being that lonely that you cant even get away from being that lonely. So i cut everyone off.

Then after experiencing all of that and more for a few weeks, it would go. And I would be like okay no more bad recurring thoughts. Lets do this thing called life, and happy for a little while. Then one thing happens and your sent right back to the pit in another episode, ‘so, you just nipped out then?’

Each pit experience gets somewhat easier, I believe the numbness of it tends to harden you, so long as you understand how you got there. Each pit experience should be getting shorter too. To the point of when you visit this area it is by choice (to rest) and not by force. Healing takes a lot of time, persistence, self-encouragement. It is not an easy road, you have to treat yourself in the correct ways, when the first inital trauma happens you may neglect yourself whilst you are in shock still, but please be patient with your mind, and have respect for yourself always. Set boundaries and be strong with them.

Long term depression and PTSD are both extremely complex conditions, but with time have the capcity to heal. Please no irrational actions if you are suffering with any of these conditions. If you are experiencing any of these, then please do reach out and get support. Because I was in solitude with no one around me and isolating I did not know I was with depression and PTSD and i didn’t know what it was and how it was affecting me, I thought it was me, when PTSD lifted I realised what I had and what was me and what was PTSD.
If you are within a Suicidal crisis please see – How to get through a suicidal crisis

If you are struggling with processing a trauma please read 5 stages of grief, this will help you to understand the five processes many go through

Furthermore there are many other topics on Psychology Blogs

I hope this helps someone; it is not easy living with either of these complications. Unfortunately, / fortunately depression is a bit more complicated on lifting. I say fortunately because I believe sadness is a beautiful emotion and those that experience are beautiful souls who need protecting at all costs. I say unfortunately because I knew we could of done so much more granted we weren’t with depression. But it is what it is and we are who we are.
I would not take away any of my traumas because i like who i am as a person now, i know i am good to people and i am kind to myself too.

For more, I have been doing podcasts on these as it is easier to talk about. I will talk about this on a podcast soon too. Its hard to express in writing on a topic sometimes, i know i need to add my knowledge to previous blogs, so please be mindful if reading a blog from 2022, alot has changed since then. I have wrote some poems too 🙂

Thankyou for reading.