‘It comes in threes’
Trigger Warning – **
I hope you are okay, if you are not, please do reach out. This blog is about the saying, ‘it comes in three’s’, referring to the misfortunate luck of enduring three bad experiences within a short period of time. I think firstly I must say that I apologise if this has happened to you, I am sorry life was cruel, I hope this blogs helps and I hope that you heal in good time 🫂 . If you are struggling, you can reach out too @suicideapuk on Facebook / Instagram.
Trauma is not easy, whether it be a loss, a condition, a physical trauma, or any negative experience that causes your fight or flight mode to be activated, whatever the capacity the trauma is, it is sometimes not easy to process. Depending on the trauma you can go through several processes which can send your cognitive being into several different personalities. It is hard, but please know that you are not alone.
The processes being, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Each of these stages takes a period of time to process, each individual also processes trauma differently, there is no right way to heal but understanding what you are going through is a start;
- Denial is where you can be in shock, where it is hard to believe, you may become on autopilot whilst you process the experience, it may also take a period of time to register properly what has just happened.
- When it does register you will then move into the next stage which is Anger, this may come in forms of irritability, sarcasm, impatience, you may also find yourself lashing out at things you would normally be settled within, such as on a good day spilt milk doesn’t matter, but on a heavy day spilt milk can be the final straw on a bad day. Ultimately this may lead you into isolation. (Please when you are here look after yourself, I have a podcast about this, how to be alone.)
- After you have gone through the stage of Anger, you will reach the Bargaining stage, this is where you may replay moments of how it went wrong and see where / how you could place yourself to stop this experience from happening so negatively or at all, (if this replay is persistent, please contact your GP as you may be experiencing PTSD). Within this stage there could be a potential for reach outs please try to remove emotions from decision making and try to think logically.
- Once you have gone through the bargaining processes you may reach Depression where you have exhausted all your resources and been left feeling hopeless, feelings of emptiness, or lack motivation. Feel what you need to feel, masking will only make the feelings grow. (Please remember that when we lose something of any capacity there will always be some sorrow within this, it is going to be okay)
- Finally, the Acceptance stage, this where you finally accept what has happened and come to terms with your future without the past experiences.
Within these stages any traumas will change your behaviour via feelings, whether it be shock, fear, confusion, agitation or other similar negative traits. Short term or long term disorders such as PTSD, depression, anxiety or any neuro-divergency can also change behaviours from traumas too. And processing that trauma is hard enough, but lets add in another trauma, or even three.
From personal experiences I write this, I endured three adult traumas within a short period of time, to the point I could not bare it anymore, so I had to run away.
My traumas where a first-hand suicide loss, disloyal relationships from love and friends, losing my business. All three where within the space of three months, it took me several years to recover, but now I am able to help you, as I have processed the processes of trauma on traumas.
As stated above, processing trauma is hard, you have to go through several stages to heal positively and effectively heal to the best you are able too, with the correct support around you also this makes the journey of healing easier, but if you are like me and had no support it can make the journey a little more chaos, but at the same time it has eventually become insightful.
Due to me experiencing of this, I am able to understand how and what happened during this ‘it comes in threes’ period and finally what came of it, it is confusing, but with the correct tools of understanding and the right support you can get through it within good time.
Within three months I had 15 processes to endure. Now due to this my cognitive functioning was not able to function or remail stable, my brain had no direct focus on which trauma to process so I became unstable, impulsive, erratic and had no capacity on regulating my emotions as I did not understand them myself. The suicide loss, the disloyalties, or the business loss.
So, what happened, during all stages I had little / not the correct support. (I guess that is why SAPUK was started, I needed it just as much as others do now – wounded healer). I was also a single mum so had to make this my priority.
- The suicide loss happened first, during this first denial stage I was within shock, auto-pilot was activated, please see seeing suicide for the experience. This was hard as it was something I had never experienced before
- Next was the second stage of the suicide loss, anger, this was hard to capacitate as it wasn’t within my nature, I had to mask a lot
- Next the bargaining stage, what could I of done to prevent that?
- Next came the disloyalties, so back to the first stage of denial, whilst processing bargaining for the suicide loss
- After that came the angry stage again but this time for the disloyalties, still bargaining as I have not been able to process the suicide loss properly, more anger as focus in cognitive function is lost, creating confusion – leading to agitation
- Then the business closed, back to the first stage of denial, whilst bargaining for the suicide loss and still within anger about the disloyalties
As you can already see the timeline for processing trauma is already unstable and within chaos, the mind when within three traumas has no focus on any direct trauma to be able to heal appropriately and within a good time frame. So, it takes longer as it is within confusion. Instead of processing the first trauma the second and third trauma had to process first – I can’t even say which way it went, the business was accepted because of SAPUK, the suicide loss was eventually accepted because of SAPUK, but the disloyalties took longer for acceptance, there was no median to balance this out. The healing journey was hard and chaotic due to multiple processes trying to engage at once, but I went into isolation and stayed there was over two years in total, processed and finally after years of internal and external suffering I came to reach acceptance for each of those traumas.
Although these were three major traumas, I was also with childhood trauma, depression, an unknown neuro-divergency, a long-term health condition and alongside my healing journey amongst years of direct / in-direct suffering due to vulnerabilities which prolonged the processes further. So, although I was trying to process the traumas, I was having to process the direct experiences of that moment too, so I was ‘distracted’ away from processing properly.
PTSD lifted from me five years after the initial trauma, when this lifted my mind became clearer, I was not impulsive nor erratic, from then on, I had direct focus and was able to begin the processing period again. Although this had lifted, I was left with depression, which does its rounds still, I live alongside this like many others do, please see ‘im just nipping out’ for more information.
And today, in this present moment I am within full peace, and acceptance of my past. And although my traumas have identified much of my past life, I know that if I did not experience those traumas, I would not be who I am today with what I have now, I know that I am a good person and that my past does not dictate my future.
Within trauma you can re-invent yourself, you can be the best version of yourself, although support is greatly helpful – you can survive without it during the ‘it comes in threes’ wave – you just need to understand what is going on with your processes and how to be alone, please see blog on solitude ‘Where are you?‘.
Childhood and suicidal thoughts also can have a negative effect on healing.
Thankyou for reading, hope this helps
Dan ✌️🫶