**TRIGGER WARNING**
Please note not all experiences are within here, other blogs also hold healing routes such as – Psychology blogs – here i have Navigating suicidal thoughts, little runaway – (which discusses why people may run away from complications/events), WHERE are you? Also discusses hiding away when things get difficult. Please if i haven’t covered a topic, drop me a message via hey@danisace.com and i will Bsc research the topic. Anywayyy,
The thought of suicide comes natural to me and there is nothing anyone can do about it;
The thoughts and behaviours of suicide became a habit, a part of my behaviours, a healing path, it meant that my mind could be in control even if nothing else was. But although the intrusive thoughts / feelings can feel seemingly accurate, i do not act on them.
Suicidal behaviours have been around me since I was a small child, they started with people around me idealising / acting upon the intrusive thoughts. To then me idealising / acting upon these intrusive thoughts, until I eventually stabilised with understanding and acceptance of this pattern. I understood eventually that nobody could remove these thoughts from me, I had to navigate them.
I am in my thirties now, and throughout life I have endured many negative life experiences, ones that have toyed with my lifelines several times. In total I have had countless idealisations, many unwelcome intrusive thoughts, 3 suicide attempts, 1 plan of suicide and a lot of misery. Its nothing nobody could help, you can not take away life’s pain, you can only create healing tools for yourself, one of mine is suicidal ideation, but its nobody’s fault – it started when i was too little too process information properly.
It is hard dealing with suicidal thoughts once, but when they are re-current, it becomes alot harder. Living a life where you don’t want to be you is scary.
“Because what do you mean you as my own mind are telling me ten times every day that I am not good enough, nobody loves me and I shouldn’t be here, it must be true then?!.“
When first dealing with suicidal thoughts it can be extremely confusing, belittling and isolating, many believe that they are a burden / issue so they proceed to isolate. So, this is okay as long as you can keep yourself safe, if you can not keep yourself safe, then you can not isolate, please listen to my podcast ‘how to be alone’. Because upon my attempts one of them was an isolated attempt and this could of truly been my last day, I was fortunate of the local reactions to be saved.
You know several negative life experience / impacts can really make an individual question whether their existence is worthy enough to carry on, some experiences cause an instant reaction of chronic PTSD where an individual relives the same experience for a period of time causing subconscious stress, both in mentality and physically. Gradually this exhausts an individual sometimes causing long term / chronic depression. Children experiencing negative life experiences can also then imprint these experiences causing lifelong symptoms of PTSD, along with other symptoms such as low self-esteem, the inability to maintain healthy relationships, and it can also cause physical health conditions too – Study from the University of Wolverhampton.
But as a child who learned suicidal thoughts early, experienced suicidal actions from teenage years, has lived side by side with sadness, studying suicidal thoughts in adult years, I have learnt a lot from it and its impact. Do not act on it. Do not hurt yourself. It comes in waves.
Learning the thoughts young via myself and others, I would say they started around seven years of age, meant that I created a childhood behavioural process for myself. So, if I was to feel stressed, within turmoil or facing any trauma because of my early year’s development, I then had suicidal ideation as a means of staying in control. As a child, I understood that if things got so bad I could go to heaven instead and I would be loved and cared for up there. But because I am a twin and him being a misunderstood Neuro-divergent, I just hid instead. Although, if his life would have deterred at such a young age, I don’t think I would have made it either.
Then, experiencing suicidal thoughts / ideations as a hormonal female though is a different story, ages 12-21 where extremely tough, I was not in control of my actions. Within these ages are where I had my physical attempts, over-dosing, hanging off a balcony and idealising / actioning the process of drowning. When I look back now, I can see there was an extreme hormonal imbalance alongside my childhood / current trauma, within these years I experienced a lot more which meant that I had to grow up, but being an unsupported child / teenager meant that I had just myself to stabilise, I am extremely lucky that my attempts did not go the other way, as I know some young females are not so lucky, drink was also involved with one of the attempts – which meant that I had courage to fulfil my plan. Due to my hormones being all over the place I had no processing capacity, I was impulsive and acted on many things I shouldn’t off, please be mindful if you are a young fem experiencing these thoughts, please do not act on it, you are experiencing many mental changes as a young woman, you are going to be feeling overwhelmed. Reach out instead @danisace.
DO NOT ACT.
Suicidal ideations all throughout my 20’s – they were so natural for me to dream of being an angel, I just wanted to be up there where it was warm and free, peace and love, care and empathy all around. But I had somewhat stabilised I just had depression left rather than PTSD/Dep combo, I had a little family, a beautiful home, a flourishing business… Then we found him after he took his own life please see ‘seeing suicide’, (Rip Bry, 4/09/16), from then on I lost my business, my life, I took my son packed my things, and i ran 100 miles away.
I was again faced with more PTSD trauma, I’d have to tell myself not long left of this life, life goes so fast, there was a lot of self-coaching. But I have a son now, and I had spent most my life alone, I was not alone anymore, I know that if I was to go, he could maybe face the same path of lonliness, and I would not want that for him. I dreamt of being an angel, but I had to raise one – so I could only dream of it. I took the process of just isolating myself but I was safe, I really believe looking back now the reason why I was idealising suicide a lot was because I was alone but I was within PTSD trauma, it was a catch 22, I had to be there to heal from what I saw but I made myself worse by being alone, I was an alone child and this is where the thoughts began, I always felt worthless, as life only wants to hurt me.
When I came into my 30’s, is when the PTSD finally lifted – I had experienced that much that I didn’t even know I had chronic PTSD, until it released its chains. I felt like a different person, no more trauma, just long term depression (which is hard in itself), it was the most amazing feeling, i was healed i knew it was time to go back ‘home’, until we had no home becoming homeless and I was reduced to nothing again (another life test) . There is Maslow’s theory of basic needs, a person needs shelter, food, water to live, towards the end I was a single mother in a hostel – the first few weeks without a home was somewhat okay sofa-surfing everywhere, but as the months started to pass it got much harder to comprehend, living out of bags is not okay. My thoughts were how could I be a mother with no home for my son, how can I provide a good life without a home, and it just built on itself to the point I made a plan and had a date – I could not provide for the one person I was supposed to provide for but I knew someone who could of taken him around the world and given him a better life – it was the right thing for me to do, I accepted that I was not able to be a mother anymore. Due to my quick progression in my spiral down, the school actually clocked onto our recent behaviours (luca started showing signs of distress too), the school phoned me up directly asking me what was going on, she asked me to come in to talk, I was given a safe space where I eventually told her everything, including my plan, she safeguarded me to support me, where she actually helped, giving me hope again. By her safeguarding me it meant that instead of my motherhood lines being blurred, my lines with the suicide plan became blurry instead.
If you can not safe guard yourself, somebody else has to. TALK.
During my course of my life experiences, I have also studied many topics surrounding suicide and their triggers, I know that every person’s experiences differ, I know though that everyone’s suicidal feelings are ultimately the same, that they don’t want to be here.
Now being past all off this, stable & away from the most harmful ideations or intrusive thoughts I can look back at my experiences and how they have shaped me for who I am today. Each one of my traumas have only ever later encouraged me to want to know more, whether they be suicide led trauma, environmental or social trauma. I just want to know more, how has this affected me, how would this have affected someone else? what have i learnt, did i grow?. I know how they have each affected me, i still have chronic depression, but I know how I have stabilised throughout too, I have had anchors, my brothers then my son, and then throughout my teens before my son, when I left home I had children that needed me from others – I was so many roles in one before my 20’s. I have experienced many different kinds of people, both good and bad. I have been utilised for another’s gain, I have been lied to, I have been betrayed, I have been left, but I have also been loved and cared for too. Life really has been 50/50 for me.
I have also been safe-guarded for the rest of my life meaning that I would never act on any negative thoughts no matter what age – and that is because of our angel mom Jazz, she sent her son to me after she ended her life – it was almost like I was speaking to Luca in the future and for experiencing the impact she left on her son because he never knew is something that will stay with me for life, i would never leave Luca no matter what now. Because of this I got myself a safety pin necklace;
I still have ideations, I had one yesterday – it is because I have learnt that life from many angles is cruel and my ideations from a child have told me that heaven is not, it is what I have always believed in, I always will be looking forward to joining a family up there but I know that we are only temporarily here, it is like a beautiful bad holiday being on earth, there is love to be given and taken, but I know I will go when my time has come naturally and not when life takes it toll, because it is all an experience, and you can wait too. If you are struggling and if there is anything positive that have come from my negative life experiences is SAPUK. A safe place for anyone to go to, I will always be present there, helping and healing others as I once had to do myself.
I guess I have wrote this for i too still have suicidal thoughts / ideations, but I am healed with them now, they live alongside me, they have been a huge part of my life so far and you too can be healed with them – reach out;
Thankyou for reading, if you need anything drop us a message – danielle@suicideapuk.co.uk