Moving on from Trauma
Dan Shaw – Suicidologist
Trigger Warning – Talks of Suicide.
Hey, hope everyone is okay? If you are not, please reach out 😊 – @suicideapuk
So, this is my first blog in a while ☹, I have been on with writing shorts, poems and I have so much more physical now that I am struggling to find the time to write, but here we are 🙂 – i do love writing, it helps in many capacities, to myself and to those who read. For those who don’t know me i am Dan and i am a strong advocate for Suicide Prevention, from both lived experiences in all person views to educating myself to high levels of neurological understandings.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about moving on from Trauma. I fully believe from personal experiences that you can not move away from Trauma, you can only grow around it.
Trauma is hard you can not mask it for long, you have to sit and process it.
So, Trauma experiences can happen in any capacity, they can range from a loss, to enduring negative life changing experiences, and then within this due to individual differences (podcast link) each person experiences a healing process differently. Mine was solitude but I usher anyone to engage with support if they need it, if you do not you can read / listen alongside me for understandings.
There are so many ways in which a person can endure Trauma, at home, in love, at work, out and about, via another person, via themselves and more, but it is about how we process and heal from this that matters the most.
Now from my own personal life experiences I endured Chronic PTSD, this was with me unknowingly until around the age of 30. From here on is when I began to understand what had been really going on in my cognitive behaviours. It is hard to fully heal when you are with PTSD or any other immediate mental health condition that directly effects your thought paths. PTSD generally shows up as repetition, so the repetition of the same events replaying in your mind, it is hard to process anything when this is your brain movement, it can make an individual impulsive, erratic, agitated, tired and with so many more effects.
The trauma I experienced that led to my attempts on life were a collection of childhood neglect, lack of safeguarding, low affluence, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, long term health condition, death by suicide, disloyalties, long term health condition. From a young age I was conditioned to be strong, I was shown to be independent, and I was also shown that no one was there to wipe my tears, it was just me, still in many ways this is still the same. My fight or flight life eventually became a journey of understanding and self-soothing.
Due to facing many Traumas from a young age, my lifelines were already pretty thin, this is why I ultimately ended up acting on my thoughts / current beliefs at the time, because I had no outlet to regulate my emotion properly, it was just me vs me. I had constant suicide ideation (the day dreams of not being here), but this was really, my peace. Somewhere within my early years I conditioned my thoughts from intrusive to ideations. I do still experience suicidal ideations, but I am still experiencing them within peace, they are now a reminder of what I have been through. My past life’s presence.
Please see the blog – Navigating suicidal thoughts if you are struggling with getting through them.
Anyway, enduring trauma is hard, there are flashbacks in so many ways unknowingly too that you have to on-the-spot process. You must sit and remind yourself that it happened but you survived, you have to look around you and see how the traumas have had an effect on your current life, it is hard dealing with Trauma. It is hard dealing with them when they happen, it is hard on the first anniversary, it is hard years after and then it is hard again. But you survived that and that is amazing, you are who you are today because of it. You have experienced something some never ever will experience, and you are here today to tell the story, be proud of yourself.
So, moving onnnn again, so how to deal with Traumas, it ultimately comes down to acceptance. You know my biggest traumas happened within one month, three major traumas, I lost by suicide, I understood I was within many disloyal relationships, I lost my business. At the age of 24 after everything I had already been through I had to go through all of this, I just didn’t understand. I broke, I hurt myself, I isolated; Then I moved 100 miles away, I broke, and solitude became my only home. I didn’t leave my homes for two years (two separate healing occasions).
The suicide was a visual trauma, something I still see today, but from this I now prevent suicides on a large capacity, for the story (major trigger warning) – seeing suicide.
The disloyalties were something beyond my control, this came from all angles, from love, friends, family. I really saw sides of people I never knew I would see. I was gaslit whilst within fawning. It was hard because when you have no – one already, you really have no – one. This made me run away.
Losing my business was the cherry on the cake to my present mental health that I was masking away from, it was my first ever shop, it was hard, but I was not my place there.
We all have healing means, I got my dog Raffy amongst all this chaos, my guardians sent him too me, I know without him I would of acted on my thoughts. I went into solitude & isolation and it was a really hard time getting back out..
When a person endures trauma, they have to rebalance their connective systems, they have to go through several processes in order to be able to heal. It is not an easy process for one to balance, many use cognitive services such as CBT / Psychiatrist. Due to my ill health I did not approach anyone until I was 32. For 8 years I sat and rebalanced myself to the point where today my trauma’s don’t hurt me anymore. I look at my trauma’s and see how they have affected me to be the person I am today.
I have learnt acceptance, things happen beyond our control, we just need to find out what the lesson is behind that experience, understanding that you can not cover up a trauma;
Do we need to change something within us? Do we need to change our surroundings? Do we need to take a risk / chance?
You also need to understand that you will have good days, bad days, unbearable days, calm days, you must ride this chaos, i have many blogs surrounding the topics of being within yourself in solitude and isolation or if you want any further understandings – connect with me on socials @danisace <3
Since my trauma, I have had some of the best life experiences, and still to this day I am only still growing , far away from Trauma, with the best tools and means for life.
I know, i would not be where I am today if my life did not fall apart and for that I am grateful in many ways, it hurts still because it wasn’t right, but it happened, I have come to accept that and then I moved on. Today my patience sits with me, whilst I build and manifest my own foundations, after everything I have been through I know exactly who and what I want in my life – I will get it too.
It is okay to see / feel things that remind you of your past life, sometimes they hurt if new information is engaged with but then you sit with it and process within yourself again (reach out if you are struggling with this). I don’t mask anymore, I don’t bury my feelings, I let them come as they are. If I feel something it is because it is real, or because it was real. My traumas are what makes me beautiful, your traumas are what make you beautiful too and how lucky is it to be beautiful within sorrow.
Thankyou for reading