It’s okay to struggle mama
Life is difficult for so many people; it differentiates between each human entity. No trauma is ever experienced the same way, and I ask of you that if you are going through trauma and are struggling with navigating this, please reach out.
If you are in the midst of trauma and cannot keep yourself safe, please dial 999, it is important that you reach out. Alternatively, SAP;UK has resources and links on where to go to heal.
It’s okay to struggle mama, just ensure you are being kind to you and yours.
Every child is raised differently, and every child becomes a different adult from their childhood. I want to ensure you that when I write, I write from understandings, self-healing and mainly lived experience unless I say so.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent and another who had little care for the ones that were created. It was hard, I had to and still have to watch others embracing their family life, but it is what it is and I am who I am today because of it 😇✨💫.
I have had much understandings and accept for who they are.
But nevertheless, navigating that was hard enough, but I did. Then I fell pregnant at 21 with the most beautiful soul, I just know he was sent from the heavens to save me, the most well-grounded person I could have ever asked for. Anw, the support was low when he was younger, but it was there often. Then I lost half of my pancreas, so I had to try and navigate to a new lifestyle, I got sick often.
Then the trauma began when I was a mama to a three-year-old, losing Bryan and being betrayed by many. Now this time in babies lives they are sponges so it was incredibly difficult not to let it spill over into my nurturing capacities, but sometimes it did. It was incredibly hard to navigate, I felt guilty when I couldn’t get out of bed, I felt guilty when I was sadder than usual, I felt guilty when I couldn’t feed us our five-a-day, I felt guilty when I watched other families flourishing, I felt guilty for my pain, and I felt guilty because sometimes I held my son when he was sleeping and I was fighting through tears, I had one will to live and it was him, he didn’t know how grateful I was for him. For over ten years I navigated through C-PTSD, trauma built on trauma, more being piled on, it was never ending. No emotionally available parents, no family just far away brothers, sexual abuse, suicide attempt, emotional manipulation, coercive abuse, suicidal ideation, suicide loss, betrayal, addiction, narcissism, business loss, housefire, homeless, suicide plan. I genuinely didn’t believe I would make it through.
Sometimes I was tired, sometimes I was exhausted, sometimes I was suicidal, and even though I was all of these things I still had to be mum, I had to cook everyday, I had to make sure he was clothed and bathed and nurtured, I had to show up, I hid in the bathroom to cry, he would come and not let me be that way. I had to ensure he went to nursery and or school, I had to make sure we wasn’t late. I had to clean every day. No matter how I was feeling I had to show up with a smile, and it was really tough. I masked hard to the point of when I had some free time, I would find a safe space, and I would scream and cry until I became numb.
Ten years on, I have healed now and I wish I was the mum I am now back then, I have more energy and peace in every corner meaning I have more freedom to nurture and teach.
I never got that opportunity of a healthy start in any of my life journeys, I was riddled in grief, PTSD and misunderstanding neuro-divergencies and then to top that off a bunch of bad people. Being a single mum is hard as it is, but being a single mum navigating trauma is even harder because there is nowhere for you to turn too without you losing more of your exhausted ego. There isn’t enough energy left for you to reach out without it all illuminating and tearing through your chest. You can’t tell anybody you are struggling this deeply because what will they think of you? Will someone enter your safe space that you have created?!
It is traumatising even the thought of reaching out, it means you must accept a reality you are trying to hide from.
But it is okay to struggle mama, you are doing everything you can, and I have every faith in you that you can get through this. 😇✨💫
So how do we get through this, if I give you an insight into who I am today against who I was back then, maybe I can give you a light at the end of the tunnel.
In the present moment, I am okay, my soul is beautiful, I do not need anybody, and I am the happiest version I have ever been, I have pink all over my room and I am fully embracing every inch of myself. I smile for no reason, and I love being a part of most days 😊. I generally need some cool-off days but other than that my social skills have improved, whether online or physical I majorly show up 😊 🎀 🩷.
But back then, my soul was broken, I needed people I thought I could trust, I was the saddest version of myself, and I woke up often with tears in my eyes dreading every day that I was forced to be a part of.
I needed to rest but as a mum you just are not able to do this, and god forbid they get upset too on a bad day, this part is heartbreaking and you know un-avoidable for most parents. Children have little-to-no conscious reasoning, if they want another lollypop and you say no, they don’t understand that properly, they still want it. Even if you have just pulled yourself out of the bathroom, freshly wiping tears you then must sit down with your toddler-teen and navigate their disagreements. They are so small-centred too, reasoning with a small child is difficult, sometimes it is like trying to bang your head of a brick wall as they argue reasons as to why they “need” something they shouldn’t be having. But remember they are glimmers.
I was never taught how to survive but I learnt how to – I want to give you an insight on my healing paths and understandings that I learnt along the way to help me.
Deep breaths – Always do your best to maintain your breathing, panic attacks can cause your breathing to become heightened. In for 6 seconds, out for 4 seconds, repeat until your breathing is stabilised. Try your best to always be conscious on keeping your breath stabilised. By doing this you stop your body reacting to your mind’s thoughts. You can do it 😇✨💫
Sit with yourself – I have an article about sitting with yourself LINK and also understanding the five processes one can go through when experiencing traumas LINK. When you understand yourself, you can navigate your pain. Understanding why you are feeling this way? Understanding why you react this way, understanding past trauma and how it has affected your personality traits also helps LINK.
Ensure you are hydrated and fed – This basic need is in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, explained in the article on personality traits above. It is seen in research that much of our mental health is created in the gut; by also staying hydrated we ensure adequate blood flow.
Sit on the floor – In the most darkest of moments when we feel completely unstable, please lay on the floor, a cold surface is perfect and if you can go outdoors the grass is most effective. By doing this we remove ourselves from our thoughts and bring us into the present moment. Reminding ourselves that we are safe now.
Understand motherhood blurs – Sometimes when we are a single mum, we often think our child would be better of without us, this is NOT true. Please do not let this thought strengthen, it is a huge part of our insecurities, no child is better of without their mother (unless they are being subjected to neglect or abuse, please don’t do this either, your baby/babies do not understand nor deserve this). Please seek support if you are thinking harmful behaviours, I know motherhood is hard, but children are blessings sent from up above, we are given them as opportunities to change and grow with them. If life overtakes your motherhood capabilities and you are not able to look after your children adequately, please openly discuss this with social care services as they will be able to provide you with support.
Understand solitude – Sometimes we hide away, and then we feel so guilty for not being present socially. This is okay! As long as you are ensuring you are safe indoors, you are just recharging. Being a mum navigating trauma and then having to socialise is hard because what if someone notices that you have puffy eyes? Staying indoors is okay; please just ensure you are looking after you and yours. I stayed indoors for four years, socialising very little, sometimes going weeks without adult communications.
Create boundaries – Within positive grounds please ensure that you do what is best for you. Healing takes time and patience, but you cannot do this effectively if you do not create boundaries. Please do not tend to temporary highs that may have you feeling worse off after, be cautious of who you let into your space during your most vulnerable moments, and if you don’t want to do something please say no.
Be you – Do not try to squeeze into something that you are not, if you are quirky embrace this in all capacities, hiding away your qualities is not what is best for your future self, keep being you, whole heartedly, and please don’t let the world around you ruin you. How others act is not a representation of you.
Hold acceptance and patience – You must accept what is what, by accepting your current life position you can then grow within this new foundation. If you see everything as experience, you will always win. Patience while you heal, no journey is the same and life is full of twists and turns, please be patient with yourself on good days and bad days.
Love those who love you – Appreciate those who are in front of you. Time is precious and we need to appreciate every minute we have with our little ones. Memories are strongly led but always remind yourself of who is in front of you. Our babies are our glimmers.
Please note all of these self-healing methods have had some backing by other researchers online. But also, please understand that if you need professional support to reach out and engage with local resources. I am stating what helped me.
Although life was hard to navigate, when I feel like I was supposed to be a 100% mum and sometimes I only made it to 40%, I used to have so much guilt. I craved to be someone that I was not, I craved to be somewhere where I was not, but neither of those where ever applicable to me and my current positionings, I was who I was and I was alive where I was, these alter-universe thoughts and feelings just weighted me to a past version of myself that I craved to be, but tomorrow is a new day and we have the capacity to change for the better on any day.
If I could rewind myself back to my tougher days and speak to my younger self, the one who held sub-consciously on to her baby’s life to save hers, I would say you are doing amazing and keep going.
My boy is older now, and he has grown up with me. Today we have the most perfect bond, I am so proud of him and I know he is so proud of who I have become too. I know what its like to be a mum who is present, and a mum who is toying with her lifelines. Motherhood can become blurry when you are navigating trauma, but please show up in whatever form you have and are able too. Because every single day you are evolving even if you can’t see it yet. 😇✨💫
If you need anything please reach out and from one mama to another you are doing just fine and you are beautiful <3
All my Love Danielle x 🎀 🩷